I'm Not Alright

"If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of, then "cool" is just how far we have to fall. And I am not immune, I only want to be loved. But I feel safe behind the firewall.
Can I lose my need to impress? If you want the truth I need to confess.
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside. And all I go through, it leads me to You, it leads me to You.
Burn away the pride. Bring me to my weakness 'til everything I hide behind is gone. And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to...only You are there to lead me on. 'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong."

First day of college was a success in the eyes of the teachers and all the students here...including myself. I found my way around nicely. Here is my dilema. What does God want from me? When I started this blog, my main motive was to let people grow with me. Now, I'm just letting you see into my life a little bit. I still pray that as you read, God speaks to you as well.
There has been a battle raging in my mind and heart since early this summer. God wants something from me. He wants all of me and nothing less. He has prepared a future for me that is greater than myself and greater than anything I ever could imagine to be. But how great is it to know that we serve a God that in our weakness...He is strong and in those times of weakness is when He shows up greatest. When we move aside and let God move freely...that is when we truely surrender. God started dealing with me heavily (and I mean heavily) during SOAR this past summer. I think when I talked to people about they didn't and really couldn't understand where I was coming from. This battle dealt with my future. I was supposed to start school at ECCC tomorrow and be a meterologist first and then a youth minister on the side. After being driven to a point that God, in that still small voice only He could speak in, revealed to me something so simple yet truely life changing, did I start (baby step) to see things a little differently. God showed me that life just simply isn't about me. It's about Him. I remember the prayer I prayed the night and morning before the last service at SOAR. "God plant me and use me where you want me. I want you to have all of me and I don't care the cost." At this point, God began to deal a little more openly with me in showing me His plan. I won the CBC scholarship. In my mind this is all fine and dandy. God wants me here. I'll go and get a degree in secondary education with a minor in youth ministry and that way I can get my school paid for and still serve God in the youth department. First week of CBC came. Guess what...I start as a music major with a minor in youth ministry with the intentions of adding education to my plate during my Junior year here and finishing with two degrees in 5 years. Here's where it all gets complicated. When people asked me where I saw myself in 4 years, without hesitation I told them I saw myself as a full time youth minister of a church somewhere doing summer time VSM trips and speaking at youth camps (especially SOAR). If you're reading the things I'm telling you, you should notice a distinct difference in what was planned and what is actually occurring. I haven't been at peace with my decision to anything other than ministry since day one. But I let myself get conned into believing this is what I should do because it's the cheapest and most logical. When Paul was in jail the logical thing for him to do was not write letters to churches and young men he trained up. Peter didn't do the logical thing when he sang in prison to worship God. It sure wasn't the logical thing for the disciples to praise God after getting beat for preaching His name and proclaiming that they were glad to be counted worthy to be persecuted for Christ's sake. If I do the logical thing when God calls me to the most un-logical then am I truly following God with my whole heart. Am I truly living as the the scriptures say when we are told "the just shall live by faith"? God wants so much more from me than for me to do the logical and worldly acceptable thing. This is my God given revelation: Bloom where I'm planted. I'm where I need to be as far as college is concerned. I couldn't be in a better enviroment or among better people. Surrender to God's will. I tend to let people sway my decisions to much and I can't live like this. If God wants me to truly live by faith (which won't be hard to do on preacher's salary) then that's what I got to do.
This is the start of a new journey. I am now considered as a Bible major with a minor in music. If God will's maybe I'll add a degree in general education my junior year. But for now, I'm full speed ahead for Christ. No looking back. That's my prayer for all of us. I don't know why it took me this long to see what God has been showing me for months, but I know this...I'll sleep good tonight knowing that I'm exactly where God wants me.
"So Father give me the strength to be everything I'm called to be. Father show me the way..to lead them. Won't You lead me? To lead them with strong hands. To stand up when they can't. Don't wanna leave them hungry for love chasing things that I could give up. I'll show them I willing to fight and give them the rest of my life. So we can call this our home. Father lead me cause I can't do this alone."

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot, missionary martyr to Ecuador